Rejection

We've all been rejected at some point in our lives. In our love lives, our professional career or even on the school baseball team. Somehow, it seems to sting just the same as if it were the first time. Somehow we don't don't learn how to cope better.

This past week, I experienced that sting again. For my coping mechanism, I'm going to write about it here in my blog.

Somebody -- to protect her privacy, we'll call her "The Girl" -- who I had been reading signs from for the past month seemed to be giving all good vibes. The look in her eyes staring straight into mine on a constant basis, the physical touching, the looking over at me everytime she passed by, the acceptance of a "date" and plans for future get-togethers, the way everything about us seemed to fall within the same ideologies. All indicated that we were interested in each other and that it would take just one of us breaking out of our shy bubble and admiting it to start us on a path to a new story.

After spending a week anxious to tell her how I wanted to take our friendship further, one day, after saying goodbye to her, my phone rang. It was Purolator. I had a package waiting for me @ the Bay & Adelaide depot. I slowly walked over, spoke with the lady at the counter ... who happened to have the same name as "The Girl". I smirked at the coincidence while at the same time feeling like a loser that I hadn't been able to tell her that day how I felt. As the purolator lady went in the back to get my package, I watched as the rush hour crowd passed by outside the window. All of a sudden: "The Girl" passed right by. Time seemed to stand still as I thought of the implications. She left minutes before I did, there are several downtown streets that she could have taken, I got this call immediately after she left. Coincidence? I had a sudden urge to run outside, take her hands and tell her right there in the middle of the streaming crowds how I felt. I hesitated. She walked further and further away.

I went home later. The package was the Adobe CS2 software I had ordered. I installed it and was unable to register the product online. I called Customer Service and was taken care of. As I was read an unlocking code, the phone connection fell. Frustrated, I called back and was greeted by a different customer service rep. I shivered when he said his name. Once again, the same as "The Girl". I finished off with him and paced through my apartment wondering if this was some sign that I should just call her right now and tell her over the phone. I sent her a text message in case she was in a situation inappropriate for talking about the issue I wanted to discuss. It read: "If you believe in Serendipity, call me". I didn't get the call.

The next day, my creative fluids were bubbling in my brain. My muse was inspiring me more than I've been in years. I was coming up with a concoction of a plan to let her know my feelings in a big way. Of course, being me, I can't light a candle, I'll light a fireworks display.
I had memorized her address so I decided to send her flowers. I searched the city for the most perfect bouquet and finally settled on a place on King St West, near where I now live. I put together a beautiful bouquet of red roses lined with several other smaller red flowers. I couldn't wait to see her expression the next day. To compliment the roses, I wasn't going to settle on just writing a card to express what I've been wanting to tell her forever. I wrote a poem.

Again, to protect her privacy, I'll change her name in the poem to "Girl".


"Girl", I must say
there's not a day you'll find
that the jewel of your name
doesn't come to my mind

The Universe tells me
through signs I can't deny
that it is conspiring
to begin the story of you and I

I was pulled from my past
guided through a life intersection
and found my future at last
when I was pushed in your direction

Like two celestial bodies
making one from the two
I feel that stronger through time
I gravitate towards you

From wine to books
lifestyle to spirituality
from the way it looks
we're in perfect synchrony

Your mind is set on the land of the rising sun
please don't go away
let me be your reason
the reason for you to stay

I want you to know me
I want to discover you
I know we will see
what we are destined to

I long to touch your soft skin
run my fingers through your hair
kiss your neck, your shoulders
yes ... right there

I didn't mean to drag this on
see, I've been enchanted by you from the start
but I had to be certain
that this wouldn't break my heart

My heart, long shut
Now I open for you these doors
should your heart desire mine
"Girl", I'm all yours



After having the flowers delivered, the clock ticked. No call.... all day, I waited in agony for the phone to ring. It never did.
I saw her the next morning and knew by the disconfort in her eyes what her answer was. We had a very mature conversation openly speaking our minds. I told her how I felt, she told me how she was overwhelemed and is not ready for comittment. I thank her very much for that conversation. It lifted a lot of weight from my mind. I respect her decision and will move on, hoping to keep our relationship as growing friends.

In the end, I think it was my fireworks that doomed the declaration. Had I just taken things slowly, the obvious feelings would have seeped into her mind.
I'm choosing to learn from this instead of just hoping that next time around it goes better.

I'll learn to light more candles and less fireworks.