My long overdue physical finally came. I haven't been to a family doctor in nearly a decade believe it or not.
I walked in to get some standard blood tests done. As I waited for the nurse to attend to me, I watched some day time TV on an old 1970's television set... My God, how we used to live without flat screen high definition TV's...
A boy walks by and leans against the door way. I thought he said something to me... but he was just mumbling to himself. Yet, I responded to what I thought was "I don't wanna get a needle". I said "Don't worry little guy, it won't hurt" and I explained that he should look away when they give it to him. "It'll be just a little prick" I ended.
My turn came up and the 10 year old boy was begging his mother to get him off the hook. He wasn't about to let some nurse stick a needle the size of a broom in his vein.. Actually, it was the size of a thumb tack...I felt bad for the boy... and worse for his mom who had to endure the franctic cries of a large overgrown kid.
This boy seems to get larger as my story goes on.. but I swear he looked like a 15 year old Mr.T. Now imagine Mr.T crying, grabbing his crotch à lá Michael Jackson trying to get around having to submit his red stuff to a stranger with latex gloves. "Hey fool! You ain't gonna get me on that plane"... ya, somehow I can remember an episode of the A-Team where he sort of looked like this boy.
I left the door to my room open and invited the boy to see the procedure. Yep, I let him use me as a guinea pig for his soon to be "near-death-experience". As the nurse tigthened a rubber band around my arm and prepped the needle, I was beginning to feel nervous myself.
I don't want to set a bad example for this kid I thought. I looked the opposite way and
prick! it was over before I even knew it. When I looked back at the kid, his mouth was wide open and I swear I thought he was cross eyed!
Unfortunately, my sacrifice didn't soothe him one little bit. As a matter of fact, he now knew what was about to happen to him (cue "Scary Organ Music" here). He was terrified, squeeling like a dying rabbit and snorting here and there and everywhere like a pig. As I was distracted by his dramatic performance, the nurse hands me a container and says: "Pee in this cup".
Gulp.
I can't do it right now I thought.
I just went half an hour ago. Nonetheless, I took the cup to the bathroom and spent 5 minutes staring at the cup and talking to my bladder.
Common buddy... you can do it but nothing happened. Not even a drop.
Shit! I thought. First I play the hero by sticking a needle in my vein without showing any pain and now I can't pee in a cup. I guess this is the sign of old age. I'm "Pee in a Cup Shy" I guess. I hope it's nothing serious.
What am I gonna tell the nurse ... I gave it one more try but my bladder wouldn't cooperate. I left the bathroom, and quickly told the nurse I would be back later with the desired fluid.
I walked down the frigid streets along Broadview Avenue wondering where I could get a bottle of water. It was lunch time for students so all the Pizza Pizza's and McDonalds were full of kids. I finally settled on a Coffee Time. I got myself a half litre of spring water and took it all down in a few goes.
Gulp gulp gulp ... Can I pee now? I wondered ...
Gulp gulp gulp... How 'bout now?.
I decided to go across the street to the local Loblaws. I wandered around trying to look inconspicuous so I grabbed some items off the shelves to walk around with. I felt the eyes of the cameras following me since I must have done 5 laps around the store without stopping once.
I wonder how long it takes for water to go through your kidneys and into your bladder. I ended up buying the items I was holding and had excellent service. I gotta stop going to No Frills. Loblaws is better! The cashier went out of her way to find me a coupon for my Wisp "smell-a-puffer-majig-thingy".
I left Loblaws, crossed the street back to the Coffee Time and went straight to the bathrooms. They were individual bathrooms, so good, I'll have some privacy here. No pressure. 10 seconds after I close the door, there are already people knocking on the door. So much for no pressure. I tried for a while... and nothing. Damn! How hard can it be to pee in a cup?? Grrrrr! The filthyness of the bathroom couldnt be helping. I turned on the water and let it run... I guess those camping trip stories about making somebody pee in their sleep with the sound of running water weren't true afterall.
I gave up and decided to find a new bathroom with more privacy and less pressure. The McDonalds down the street was now less busy so that was my destination. The McBathroom was impecable. So fresh n' so clean.. ooooooooh ahhhhhhh! I had perfect privacy in there. After a few tries.... lo and behold. The Golden Fluid began to flow. Wuu huu! I did it! I made sure not to spill and tightened the containers. Yes there were two of them...
I walked back to the clinic and found nobody at the desk. I waited....
tap..tap..tap ... and waited and nobody showed up. So I left the containers on a desk. I walked away and began thinking that the containers would roll off the desk and spill... so I went back. I waited some more and finally found a nurse to awkwardly hand the containers to with my own personal urine in. Ew.
After 14 hours of fasting, I was starving. I know I've watched "Super Size Me" but right now I was craving for a BIG FRIGGUN MAC! I returned to the McDonalds that successfully inspired me to fill my cup minutes earlier. I ordered a DOUBLE BIG MAC. The fat guy ordering a McSalad at the register next to me gave me a guilty instilling look.
Ya FATSO, I can afford to pig out every now and then. I smiled back.
In a split second, my custom made to order fresh Double Big Mac was ready. Wow. I was sure they just re-arranged two pre-made single Big Macs into one. It was to my surprise that when I opened the box, I swear I saw the holy Golden Arches. The Double Big Mac in the box before me looked like a replica of the one on the picture!
(Cue Singing Angels).
I enjoyed my picture-perfect Double Big Mac as I noticed other customers receive equally impecable service. I must be in commercial heaven. I think that 70's tv back at the clinic sucked me into a McDonalds tv ad. They
really Love To Make Me Smile! I'm Lovin' It!
The great service I had received all morning at the Loblaws and McDonalds put a smile on my face and really made my day. I think I might consider moving to the Danforth some time soon. :)
In the meantime: The 500ml water and the 1L coke I just gulped down were starting to take their effect.
I have to find a new bathroom.
